Coming out and owning my intersexuality

Image source: www.pidgeonismy.name

Human nature is really something else. We are such creatures of habit, so much so that we don’t even realize what it is that we’re doing and often to ourselves. Throughout our lives, we subconsciously become our experiences and as a result, become who we are. Both individually and collectively as the human race.  We justify our actions according to normalcy that has been set by I don’t know who, and when we experience “different” we become somewhat unsettled, sometimes to the point of becoming grieved. And if it’s personal, we begin to unravel.

So here I go unraveling…

In 2012 I was diagnosed with Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (AIS), a genetic condition that resulted in me being physically female, but genetically male. I’ll spare you the long biology and genetics lecture ( I love genetics by the way – so if I start, I won’t stop) but traditionally males have XY sex chromosomes, and females have XX sex chromosomes. Except there are people like myself that can’t be classified as such because I am an XY female. Which begs the question, how do we then define gender? I’m even still trying to figure it out, but I’ve made peace that I may not be able to.

There are various types of AIS but I specifically have Complete AIS (CAIS). On the outside, I look the traditional female, but internally I beg to differ. So I was born without ovaries, fallopian tubes, and a uterus. I was instead born with internal gonads that if I were male, were supposed to develop into testes. Which by the way is one of the hardest things for me to do, actually call the gonads “testes”. To read more on intersex conditions and AIS check out http://www.isna.org

That being said, let’s get personal. Growing up I never thought  I was any different from my girlfriends. I didn’t look or feel any different. Even as the years went by and all my girlfriends one by one started their menses. I kept on believing I’ll also start soon. I remember how each time I got stomach cramps I would think “This is the day I become a woman…” I would then go to the bathroom and check but…  DOLOLO (For non-SA readers, that’s a common social media term for “nothing”). This happened until my late teens. I remember how I also used to carry a sanitary pad with me just in case… Knowing the cause now I laugh thinking about it. On some occasions, I even gave it to my friend who got caught off-guard. I eventually got tired of living in anticipation, I even stopped praying that if I were to start that it may please happen when I’m home and not in public.

Conversations with my girlfriends about “that time of the month” during my pre-teen and teenage years were simple and HONEST. I would just say that I haven’t started yet and moved on to listening to my friends’ experiences with amazement and non-malicious envy. Further down the line, I began to wonder if in fact I was different and to avoid the 21 questions on why I was 18 and why I haven’t yet started. I would just say yes I’ve started  but they’re not painful, because I didn’t want to get caught out by describing a wrong kind of pain. Funny how the older we become we learn to put up defenses in fear of someone looking into your “being” by lying or some other mechanism, and we somewhat lose our sense of honesty.

Fast forward to October 2012, I’m 21 and I still I haven’t started menstruating. Now, even I have been questioning what’s up. So I eventually go to the doctor.  I went in thinking he’ll tell me “Put on some weight, you just need a bit of fat” or “You have an imperforated hymen and this is what I need to do…” No. Not at all. Instead what I got was. “I couldn’t see your ovaries or uterus on the ultrasound.” To say that was one of the biggest shocks of my life is an understatement. The future I had hoped for and thought I’d have flashed before me as I sat there so composed as the doctor went on telling me all the possible reasons why he couldn’t find my uterus and ovaries (I say “my” like I even had them in the first place, LOL – I find it so funny), meanwhile a whole storm took place inside.

I went through all the stages of grief (a story for another post), not in a phase but a cycle. However slowly the storm settled and still is, even now some Gale force winds and torrential rain make the occasional appearance. But… I’m okay. Some days more than others. But I’m good.

I sometimes battle finding the right words, but then the music comes to my rescue. Like in Yuna’s Rescue

“She thinks she’s all alone and all her hopes are gone and so I wrote this song so she can move along.

Things were bad.

She was in despair.

Things were bad and you were never there, but things were bad, she came up for air.

She said a little prayer, she found herself.

Yeah, she’s got light in her face, she don’t need no rescuing she’s okay.
Yeah, she’s got life in her veins, she don’t need no rescuing she’s okay
No S.O.S. needed, no rescuing, she’s fine out there.
No S.O.S. needed, no rescuing, she’s fine out there.
Yeah, she’s got life in her veins, she don’t need no rescuing, she’s okay.She looks into the sky and all her tears are dry she kiss her fears goodbye.

She’s gonna be alright.

Things were bad.

It was beyond repair.

She was scared, she couldn’t handle it.

Things were bad, but now she’s glad.

Can’t you tell that she’s walking on air?

Yeah, she’s got light in her face, she don’t need no rescuing, she’s okay.

Yeah, she’s got life in her veins, she don’t need no rescuing, she’s okay.
No S.O.S. needed, no rescuing, she’s fine out there.
No S.O.S. needed, no rescuing, she’s fine out there.
Yeah, she’s got life in her veins, she don’t need no rescuing, she’s okay. That girl is you, yeah and that girl is me, that girl is stronger than the raging sea.

That girl is you, yeah and that girl is me, that girl is stronger than the raging sea.

Yeah, she’s got light in her face, she don’t need no rescuing, she’s okay.

Yeah, she’s got life in her veins, she don’t need no rescuing she’s okay.
No S.O.S. needed, no rescuing, she’s fine out there.
No S.O.S. needed, no rescuing, she’s fine out there.
Yeah, she’s got life in her veins, she don’t need no rescuing, she’s okay.”

So now I’m in the phase of my life where I’m learning to stop trying to make sense of everything and just exist. I just want to be ME, whoever I may be, without having to justify any part of who I am, or what I want to be. I just wanna be me, I just wanna be HAPPY.

So I’m unraveling… And so far it feels DAMN GOOD.